Some time ago I found out my buddy was coaching a youth basketball team as part of Upward Youth Sports (sounds like a pyramid scheme to me).  Some may think this is unremarkable, I on the other hand lost my mind.  Granted, my buddy was an integral part of a Division 3 college national championship team and it is understandable that he would look for something to pad his resume as he climbs his way up the coaching ladder.  However, his son was only in kindergarten and I felt that they were putting the cart in front of the horse, if you can’t spell basketball should you really be playing it competitively?  (I realize there are some players in the NBA this applies to, but they are grown men)

I have a five and soon to be three year old, am I negligent for not having them enrolled in some type of  competitive sport at this age?  Something tells me no, their favorite thing to do currently is attach the word poop in some shape or form to everything they say, which makes me think competitive sports are years off for my two poopmeisters.  However, one of my friends has a daughter who is a month younger than my oldest and she had her daughter geared up in Nike’s, head band, and wrist bands, and enrolled in a YMCA youth basketball program a year ago.

When I was growing up I began to participate in youth sports when I was in fourth grade.  This was a big deal for a number of reasons, but primarily because I had no exposure to public school kids.  I lived directly across the street from the Christian school I attended so I didn’t have any exposure or knowledge of public school kids because I didn’t ride the bus.  However, many of my friends did, and they had horror stories.  Byron township youth sports was a melting pot of the pagans (public school kids) and those predestined to partake in God’s glory in heaven (christian school kids) AKA Angels (due to our exemplary behavior).

The Byron Center Township youth basketball league had me paired with a number of solid pagans (I verified the fact that their eternal salvation was in jeopardy due to their excessive swearing and that pagan was their appropriate moniker) and a couple of fellow Angels.  Having had no real experience in organized sports, my mom had me wearing weenie benders that were about 18 inches too short, dress socks, and a pair of canvas basketball shoes, along with the team t-shirt.  Apparently my mom felt the same way about whites that I do today now that I share laundry responsibilities with Shirley, they are a bitch to keep white.  So, she would only purchase dress socks for me,  alleviating the fading that whites typically undergo.  Needless to say, not only was I a marked man due to my christian school attendance, but I was further ostracized for wearing dress socks to play basketball.

My recollection of my early days of basketball involved referees who actually called traveling, double dribble, and fouls.  It further involved lots of time on the bench.  There was no equal amount of playing time for everyone.  The best players played the majority of the game and due to my lack of playing time if I wanted to score a bucket I needed to throw the ball up anytime I got my grubby little hands on the thing.  Looking back, I’m pretty sure it was the dress socks and weenie benders (sweat pants) that limited my time on the court, and it had nothing to do with my fear of the ball, other players, and my own shadow.  (I’m still working through my dress sock complex and have compensated by hoarding athletic socks to the point that I am running out of drawer space for all my many pairs of socks, my precious socks!)

Things are markedly different today, and I know this because I decided to go to my buddies game where he coached and his kid played.  His kid is now a year older and playing in the first and second grade league where he is the youngest of the two grades.   It was the first game of the season and expectations were high for both squads as they squared off at Heritage Christian Reformed Church (it’s hard to take any athletic endeavor seriously when it is played on carpet).  The Raiders (my friend’s squad) were number three on the ESPN Upward youth basketball power rankings and they had managed to get a couple of players who had sand bagged at pre-season tryouts and were much better than their metrics would lead anyone who hadn’t done their advanced scouting to believe.  (they could actually score a basket by only double dribbling three times and traveling twice)  Fortunately the Raiders scouting department consists of two people with prior NBA front office experience so they were able to pluck up the two players without anyone even realizing their true value and the inequity it would create in the Upward basketball league, which is a Christ centered youth sports league, that probably makes a shit ton of money.  (evidently winning is the 11th commandment and takes precedence over everything else that has been written in the Bible)

What transpired on the court could be loosely defined as basketball, there was a basketball, there was a hoop, and there were referees (who looked like they were plucked directly off the set of duck dynasty, given a whistle and a striped shirt and told to give it their best shot) However, each kid was more likely to poop their pants than they were to score a basket.  There was no traveling, double dribbling, or stealing the ball from someone, making me wonder what the fucking whistles were for.  My buddy informed me after the game that they wait until the third or fourth game to start enforcing actual rules.

I bet that goes terrifically, sounds similar to how I parent, we wait until they turn six or seven to actually start disciplining our kids.  The nice thing about the entire experience is that the kids are so  absolutely clueless about what is going on that no one gives a shit,  not the parents, not the kids, wait a minute, somebody does  give a shit, my buddy gives a shit, if he was wearing a red sweater and throwing a chair I would have thought he was Bobby Knight as animated as he got out there.  But other than him trying to employ a 1-3-1 full court trap and making all the kids on his team run suicides after the game while the other team ate cupcakes because they didn’t employ it right, it was refreshing to see a lack of competitive drive.

What really surprised me was that there wasn’t any particular kid who stood out as a dominating force.  No kid was head and shoulders above the rest, sure there were kids who could kind of  dribble and kind of shoot, but for the most part they were all awful.  I expected there to be a few standouts, but the reality is at that young of an age, kids aren’t good at anything that requires athleticism, coordination, and the ability to follow instructions, some of you  may say hey my  kid is, and if you honestly believe that I feel sorry for your kids.  My recollection of when I started playing basketball in fourth grade was that there were kids who stood out from the rest for something other than wearing dress socks and way too short a pair of weenie benders.  What that tells me, is that maybe youth sports should wait until kids are ready to actually participate in a meaningful way instead of just haphazardly running up and down the court for no real reason other than  to learn all the kids on your teams names.

That’s actually what happened at half time, the minister of Heritage gave a mini sermon and then he asked one of the kids to name the kids on  his team and he couldn’t do it.  (way to put the kid on the spot)  The pastor proceeded to tell the children that it would be good to learn their fellow teammates names instead of just calling them “hey you”  I have to disagree with that line of reasoning,  I play pick up basketball and rarely do I know all my teammates names.  I just make up nick names for them which can be quite a bit of fun.  There’s one guy who plays at MVP, smells like his balls haven’t been washed in weeks,is greasy, chubby and has a pony tail.  I refer to him as Pilsbury Jesus, and he once challenged me to a fight int he parking lot, come on Jesus turn the other cheek!

So, while the kids aren’t absorbing much in the way of basketball knowledge they are realizing people have names and it is probably a good idea  to use them.  However, having a mandatory minimum age where kids are allowed to participate in sports will be beneficial on a number of levels.  First of all, parents won’t be forced to go to watch their kids run around aimlessly under the guise that they are participating in an athletic event.  Secondly, kids will be allowed to do the stuff kids like to do, I’m not really sure what that is,  but my kids seem to enjoy watching cartoons and tormenting one another, which can all be accomplished from the confines of my home, bingo!    I wonder if I can package my non-for profit birth control concept with a non-profit that advocates the abolition of youth sports?   There was a nice puff piece in the GR Sunday paper yesterday about all the money the Devos family gives away, wonder if I should email Rich directly, nah he probably has a guy who vets all that stuff, looks like I’m going to have to play the Power Ball this week.

(My apologies if there are any typos or grammatical errors but I have to get home to relieve our child care)