Typically this time of year everyone is trying to turn over a new leaf and be the best dog gone person they can be to start the new year.  I have never been one for New Year’s resolutions, every Sunday after church I tell myself “I really need to be less of a dick” and then by Monday I have blown it, so why would I need to fail on a New Year’s resolution when I’m pretty much doing it on a weekly basis?  However, I do have a friend who has body image issues (even though his BMI is probably better than 95% of the population) and has embarked on a nutrition and work out program entitled Hammer and Chisel.  If that title doesn’t inspire you to want to go do a bunch of chin ups and eat a 1600 calorie a day diet, I don’t know what will.  Needless to say my buddy would be much better served investing his time and money into a therapist to work on his body image issues as opposed to pumping himself into happiness.

That being said, I can’t let him get in better shape than me.  Amazon Prime here I come, I need the deluxe version of Hammer and Chisel that comes with an 8lb medicine ball (something tells me the shipping costs may make this purchase economically nonsensical).  Regardless, I am all in for this program and I’m staring Tuesday, why Tuesday you ask?  There are a couple good reasons for starting on Tuesday.  I plan on eating at least 1800 calories Monday night while I watch the National Championship game at my buddy Gordy’s house.

Secondly, it gives me an opportunity to stuff my face and eat everything I am going to be depriving myself of for the next sixty days, Pizza Check, Chipotle Check, every kind of Ice Cream I can get my hands on Check!  I actually went to Slows BBQ in the downtown Market today after court at 3pm and ordered 3/4’s of a lb of pulled pork, sweet potatoes, and cornbread.  I went up to the cash register to pay and the attendee and  asked me if I wanted honey butter.  Interesting, how do you make butter even more amazing?  Apparently you add honey to it.  Obviously I was going all in so why not throw on some  honey butter for my cornbread?   To me honey butter would be the food equivalent of being able to combine golf and sex.

While Slows is amazing in and of itself, what really accentuated the entire experience was the fact that I was eating Slows all by myself.  Typically, when you go to eat at your favorite place you have company and it distracts from the ability to truly enjoy your meal.  I always feel like I have to be on my A game when I’m out to eat with other people.  Instead of focusing on eating, which to truly enjoy the tastes of your meal, is essential, I’m focused on keeping the conversation going and being my charming and witty self.  Eating at Slows by my self turned a terrific experience into an other worldly experience.  Also, I’m guessing that is why food critics typically eat by themselves when they are doing restaurant reviews.

To really accentuate the experience and reward myself for the workout/nutrition plan I was about to embark on I bought a couple cookies at the dessert shop at the market.  A conservative estimate of the caloric and nutritional value of the cookies would be at least 800 calories and probably half a cup of sugar per cookie.  Yahtzee!  (I also had a sweetwater doughnut on my way back from Allegan this morning at a gas station, I’d never had one before and needed to compare it to Marge’s prior to giving up all that is unhealthy, Marge’s still holds the doughnut throne in my eyes) Eating gas station doughnuts and slows bbq in the same day makes me think I have bottomed out.  Furthermore, my suit pants have already been a bit snug lately and I may be on the verge of needing alterations prior to Tuesday if this keeps up.  Oh well, no stopping now I’m definitely getting the cheese balls tonight at my bowling league and stopping by the tailor tomorrow for a quick alteration.