There are number of things that are perplexing about aging.  One of the primary ones I am dealing with at this stage in my life is urination.  It takes me twice as long to pee now that I am above the age of forty and it’s like I’m working with a leaky faucet, the thing never wants to shut off.  If they came up with an underwear that was made of sponge you wouldn’t be able to keep the product on the shelf.  On top of that, I went to Star Wars opening weekend and made the mistake of drinking a vente sized ice coffee, some water, and a fountain drink prior to sitting down for the movie and I ended up having to go pee twice in the first forty minutes of the movie.  I was the only one to leave the theatre prior to the movie being over.  It was quite embarrassing to say the least.

On top of all this, both my kids are potty trained to some degree and when I take them to the bathroom I am quite envious of the velocity of their stream and their overall efficiency when they take a leak.  I often ask myself how can they pull up their underwear that fast?  I’d have to put on a fresh pair of underwear due to all the dribbling if I did that.  They’re fearless, absolutely fearless.

While urination is currently quite problematic for me, shopping for men’s clothing when you are in your 40’s can cause just as much angst as trying to make it through a movie without peeing your pants.  My family decided to go North for the day today and I had to work.  When I got home I loaded up my truck with cardboard boxes and other garbage that has accumulated since Christmas (it was my third trip to the dumpster) and headed to a local apartment complex to utilize their dumpster.  I decided to swing by the mall and stopped by the Buckle.  I was wearing a hat and some baggy clothing hoping that it would disguise my age.

As I browsed through the store one of the twenty something clerks approached me.   Not sure why he thought it would be a good idea to talk to me I don’t exactly exude friendliness.  Regardless, he asked me “what size you looking for Bra?”  I responded “I”m just kind of browsing not looking for anything particular, maybe a medium or a large.” Trying to appear as annoyed as I possibly could. He steered me towards some long sleeve t-shirts that were his “absolute favorites”  and left me to myself after telling me “dude, if you need any help with anything else let me know.”

I wish they would hire one awkward clerk in their 40’s to help the 6 or so customers over the age of 40 they have in their store on a yearly basis.  Trying to talk to a person in their 20’s is excruciating and makes me feel so old, I never thought I could feel this old.

A couple of buddies of mine have been raving about Saxx underwear, claiming it is almost as life changing as UGGS footwear, I was skeptical but if they were even half right about that my junk was about to be in for a treat. The Buckle is the only store I know of that carries Saxx and  I started browsing through their selection when a heavy set girl in her 20’s asked me if I knew about Saxx, not wanting to seem uncool and ignorant I said yes.  She went on to tell me her boyfriend loves Saxx and that they are the best underwear out there.  Not sure why she wanted to talk undies with some guy who probably reminded her of her dad.  I was waiting for her to tell me that they don’t sell tighty whities at the Buckle.

Unknowingly I was about to open pandora’s box.  There are different tiers of underwear.  I had never dared to fly that close to the sun when it comes to underwear, out of fear that my wings would burn completely off.  What if all I want to wear is $30 a pair underwear now?  I’m either going to have to be really on top of my laundry or I’m going to have to spend a lot of money on grundies.  Is it best to love and have lost or to never have loved?  Well, I have a feeling when it comes to undies, it’s best to never have loved at all.

It turns out that there are actually different styles of Saxx underwear (Tier 1 underwear).  I went for the most popular style that the salesperson claimed was the exact same style her boyfriend prefers.  Obviously, every fiber of my Dutch being was screaming don’t do it, you can’t justify spending this much on one pair of underwear.  Do you realize how much Tier 2 or 3 underwear you could purchase with that amount of money.

Tier 2 and 3 underwear is brand name underwear that is purchased at either Nordstrom Rack, TJ Max, or Marshals.  Typically it doesn’t come in a sealed package so you are rolling the dice by purchasing it.  Two tips if you pull the trigger on tier 2 or 3 underwear, check for skid marks and if you can, throw it in the wash prior to wearing.  Any underwear purchased at a Men’s clothing store like Banana Republic also falls under tier 2 or 3 depending on if it was purchased in the actual store or at the outlet mall.  Underwear purchased here probably doesn’t require the same amount of scrutiny as if it were purchased at a discount store.  The people who shop at discount stores are usually quite despicable and unscrupulous people.

Tier 4 is “designer underwear” typically Calvin Klein that is sold in the warehouse stores, Sam’s Club or Costco.  There is no way this underwear can be the quality of the Tier 1, 2, or 3 that is sold at either a real store or a discount store.

Tier 5 is the end of the line.  It’s either the tighty whities or the ill fitting boxer shorts that most men above the age of 50 seem to be required by law to wear.  The tighty whities do an especially nice job of accentuating the pasty belly and lack of any muscle tone most men have at this age.  What I have noticed a lot of men who are rocking the tighty whities do just to add that extra hint of patheticness to their plight is they tuck their undershirt directly into their underwear (commonly referred to as the undy tuck).  Typically the men wearing these tier underwear have no idea how truly dilapidated their  underwear have become and they usually wear them up until the point they completely disintegrate.

I don’t know what my underwear future holds, but what I do know is that if these underwear are as absorbent as they are stylish I will end up being a Saxx man.