Dear Prudence:

Recently I suggested to my wife that we give our children an initial present for Christmas consisting of socks and underwear and claim that that is all they would be receiving due to their poor behavior over the past year.  I would have my phone ready to video the ensuing temper tantrums that would be guaranteed to ensue as they grappled with the idea that they were not getting any thing close to what they had hoped to receive for Christmas.  My guess it would be similar to when parents pretended to eat their children’s halloween candy and sent the video footage into the Jimmy Kimmel show but likely more dramatic and much more emotional due to what was at stake.  My suggestion was met with a flat out “no”, not a “hey that would be fun” or “that’s a good idea but are children are quite fragile and if we were to do that to them they may need a life time of therapy to get past the trauma.”  Obviously, she seems to have her mind set on this topic and its too late at this point to make it happen, any suggestions as to how I pull this off next Christmas? (my kids are in dire need of toughening up)

Powerless in Grand Rapids

Dear Powerless,

How does any man get leverage over his wife?  That’s not a rhetorical question, I really want to know how any man gets leverage over his wife?  Women have the one thing men want and they are fully aware of it and use it in every aspect of their relationship with their husbands.  I suppose you could tell her you are withholding sex from Thanksgiving to Christmas unless she relents and allows you to implement your plan.  I can’t even write that with a straight face, I just read that back and it sounds even more ridiculous the second time.  The problem with men threatening to withhold sex, well there are actually a number of problems, the first being that withholding sex from a women typically is actually something that they would feel is reward not a punishment, women are the sexual equivalent of camels, they can go months, if not years without it, and threatening to withhold it and actually following through with it could create a number of problems.  First of all, your wife may welcome the holiday season respite from sex and getting back in the saddle again after the holidays may become quite tricky.  Secondly, the break may bring her to the conclusion that you are a disgusting creature, listen, I don’t even know you, but I know men, they have hair in all the wrong places, they look terrible with their clothes off, and they sweat and stink on a fairly regular basis.  Once she can step back and get some perspective your looking at an uphill battle and it may take everything in your power to dissuade her from leaving you for another women.  I suppose you could try to appeal to her common sense and indicate that it would allow you to get a true read on the current state of your children, if they handle the socks and underwear gift with respect and dignity you are doing well as a parent and your children are on the right track, on the other hand, if they flip out, you will quickly realize you have been doing a terrible job of parenting and things will need to change.  My guess is your wife doesn’t want to be made aware of how truly spoiled your children are and even more than that, she doesn’t want to go through the arduous task of unspoiling them.  I think you are going to have to figure out another way to toughen up your kids, I would suggest military school or a paper route.

Dear Prudence,

I had my eye on a semi automatic Nerf assault rifle as a present for my kids but made the mistake of mentioning it to my wife who summarily told me not to purchase that toy for the kids, I had somewhat put it out of my mind until I stumbled upon a video clip on Rotten Tomatoes (the movie review website) where they assembled the very same assault rifle I had my eye on, and it looked amazing.  We are celebrating Christmas late and I could possibly tell either my mom or my sister to purchase the Nerf assault rifle for my kids and my wife will not be able to object since it will either be coming from her mother-in-law or sister-in-law.

Forever Young in Fremont

Dear Forever young,

While I can’t blame you for being interested in the Nerf urban assault rifle, you have only yourself to blame for your current predicament.  Had you just went ahead and purchased the guns, threw them in a gift bag (your a guy there’s no way you are trying to wrap them up with wrapping paper) and given them to your kids without her knowing, their overall exuberance would have precluded her from forcing you or them to return the guns.  Your way around your stupidity is even more foolish, first of all your wife will know immediately that you put your mom or sister up to purchasing the guns.  Seriously, what women sees a Nerf gun and thinks “that will make a terrific gift!” Of all the toy weapons purchased for children, 99% of them have been purchased by men.   Furthermore, women have a sense of what other women want for their kids, and your mom and sister will realize that purchasing a Nerf gun for your kids will be directly against your wife’s wishes.  If you have a brother who could purchase the gun for your kids that seems to be your only way to get past your rookie mistake of alerting your wife to the Nerf gun purchase, but it’s probably going to take some type of agreement where your brother gets to utilize the Nerf gun a certain percentage of the year for him to willingly incur the wrath of your wife.