This is a conversation that took place between Hillary Clinton and Debbie Wasserman Schultz (the chairwoman of the DNC, referred to as CW moving forward) leading up to the first presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.

CW “The logic was sound Ms. Clinton, you know it all seemed like it was actually going to work out.”

HRC (Hillary Rodham Clinton) “Who would have thought he would actually get the nomination though? We just threw him in there to create chaos, and he was more than happy to do it, I can’t even believe the republicans let him, he’s supported democrats his entire life, contributed to their campaigns, and voted for democrats, but these republicans are such boobs that they don’t even realize he’s not one of them.”

CW “That’s why we are at a crucial juncture here, this first debate is really going to set the tone for this presidential race, I understand he wasn’t even suppose to get the nomination and he even agreed that if it looked like he was going to win he’d figure out some way to blow it, but his ego took over once he started getting momentum and it was like a snowball rolling down a mountain”

HRC “A snowball with a comb over and an intolerable personality.  He was suppose to splinter the republican party and move on back to his gold plated penthouse with his trophy wife who speaks no english and probably was artificially inseminated to make it appear as though they were having sex.  The guy bankrupted two separate casino businesses, you know how hard it is to fail in the casino business?  I bet even Obama could turn a profit in the casino business.  Now the American people seem to think he can balance the budget, turn the economy around, and make this the great country it once use to be.  What a bunch of morons, I can’t believe I actually want to be in charge of these people”

CW “Well, we have to pick our choice for moderator of the debate and I want you to just hear me out on my suggestion, I say we go with Putin.  Trump has no experience with foreign policy or domestic policy for that matter, but he is especially ignorant when it comes to foreign policy, and I honestly think he will be intimidated by Putin.”  (While the thought of having Putin moderate a US presidential debate seems inconceivable, a year ago the thought of trump as the Republican presidential candidate was almost as ludicrous as thinking the Lions could win the super bowl, ok I actually thought they could win the super bowl this year)

HRC “You know what, I like it, I know Putin and although he is one of the most evil people I have ever met, I think he will do a fine job.  I’ll give him a call and get it set up because I know Trump won’t back down if we suggest Putin.  Besides, Trump is dumb enough to think Putin is his friend, and will treat him favorably”

 

September 13, 2015: The First Presidential Debate

Republican Candiate: Donald Trump (DT)

Democratic Candidate: Hillary Rodam Clinton (HRC)

Moderator:  Vladimir Putin (VP)

We pick up somewhere in the middle of the debate….

VP “Mr. Trump, if I decide to take over Europe or at least what was formally known as the Eastern Block and probably Scandinavia because I love Icelandic women, what would you do about it?”

DT “Well, I would have people for that, or I should say, I will have people available for every possible contingency that could ever happen were I elected to office.  And let me also say this, Vlad, I love your country and I owe a great debt to Russia, all my wives, current and former have some affiliation or allegiance with Russia and what I love about them is they are beautiful broads who can hardly speak a lick of English, it doesn’t get any better than that.”

VP “Mrs. Clinton, this question is for you.  Sam’s Club or Costco?’

HRC “Excuse me, you want me to tell you which warehouse club I prefer, where did that come from, have you ever shopped at either place?”

VP “I’m just asking the questions that were prepared for me, could you please answer the question?”

HRC “You may or may not know, I was the first women elected to the board of Wal Mart and I think Sam’s Club is the superior of the two stores even though I have never set foot in a Costco.”

VP “So, you are saying you really couldn’t speak to the quality of Costco having never been there, but you have an allegiance to Sam’s Club due to your former position on their board?  Because, we actually have security footage of you in a New York Costco eating in a Costco cafeteria and there are credit card transactions in your name that indicate you made a purchase at that Costco the date that you were caught on video surveillance.”

HRC :”Fine, our household help were gone for a weekend and I unexpectedly was at our home in New York, I just couldn’t repress my urge for a slide of their pizza and some of their Frozen Yogurt.  It’s such an incredible value and is absolutely delicious.  We tried to hide the fact that we use Costco since the Walton’s have been such big political contributor’s to my campaigns and Bill’s campaigns, but the honest truth is Costco is head and shoulder’s above Sam’s Club it’s like comparing my husband’s ability as a president to George W’s,  my husband was flawless but for his indiscretions in the oval office. I’m pretty sure the Costco and poor genetics are the two reasons for these damn kankels!”

VP “What about you Mr. Trump? ”

DT “This is going to be one of the few issues I can agree with Mrs. Clinton on, I love Costco, in fact I have purchased all of my tanning beds there.  The only thing that could make their stores better is if they somehow ensconced them in gold, all of my residential homes are ensconced in gold, it makes for fabulous living and by diminishing the supply of gold by hoarding it to use it in my homes it has increased the value of it, smart business move on my part.  The other day I was in there and they were selling teddy bears that were as big as compact SUV’s, where else are you going to find USDA prime beef, giant teddy bears, and kayak’s under the same roof?  Granted, you never really know what you are going to encounter when you enter a costco, the way they are able to turn over their obscure and impractical merchandise is truly a modern retail marvel, but that’s half the fun of it.  The only negative to the Costco experience is those damn Direct TV salespeople, there are things you just shouldn’t do, shop at Trader Joe’s on an empty stomach, go poop at a bar, and never make eye contact with the Direct TV salesman at Costco.”

VP”There has been some concern about your issues with bankruptcy Mr. Trump and how your failures in business may be a detriment to the economy of the United States, what do you say to the people voicing these concerns?”

DT “Well I  hate to go back to Costco, but after my second bankruptcy times were real tight, and I really had to tighten my belt.  Fortunately the bankruptcy court didn’t force me to give up my Costco membership, there was a six month period where I was living off Costco samples, you know there was that guy who made a documentary about eating at McDonalds for a month, I did Costco samples for six months, that’s much more of an accomplishment than what that guy did.  I think my ability to utilize my Costco membership to turn things around illustrates how I can turn things around even in the most difficult of circumstances.”

VP “Ms. Clinton, is there any truth to the rumor that you’re current running mate, Rosie O’donnell may be dropped off the ticket?”

HRC “The truth is we are dropping her, we felt that she could be an asset, and that she would garner the obese vote and the lesbian vote, but seriously, what were we thinking? We are the democrats we already have that demographic cornered.  We also thought that we could have Rosie arm wrestle Mr. Trump to raise money for baldness research, but since he declined there’s really no point in having her on the ticket in light of her obnoxious personality and overall terribleness as a human being.  We have decided to replace her with my husband William Clinton.”