My brother and I are planning on launching a website in the near future that will allow us to delve into a wider variety of topics than what I address here on my blog.  In addition, and I may be able to do this on my blog already but haven’t figured out how to yet, we will be able to post pictures and videos into our articles that will enhance the experience of visiting our site.  I always joke with my brothers when something seems curious to me and pull out my best Jerry Seinfeld impersonation (which is terrible by the way) and ask them what’s the deal with…..?

This morning one of my buddies who has been traveling wondered why everyone is always in such a hurry to get on a plane.  Like him, I have  wondered this for years.  If I’m traveling alone I wait until the very last minute to board the plane because I absolutely hate being trapped on a plane. If I’m with my family I have no choice but have to bored prematurely which completely sucks.  I had indicated in a previous blog that I would refer to my children as Thing 1 and Thing 2 but apparently the estate of the late great Dr.  Seuss has an issue with me utilizing Thing 1 and 2 in my blogging.  So, I did a google search for the most pretentious names of 2015 but I didn’t like any of those.  Then I thought about the movie Trading Places and remembered that it was chalked full of pretentious names.  My oldest will now be known Winthorpe and my youngest will be Randolph.  (my wife will still be Shirley)

Having to board the plane early is just one of the many unfortunate consequences of traveling with Shirley, Winthorpe, and Randolph.  Another unfortunate consequence is that Shirley has severe travel anxiety and requires our family to get to the airport 3 hours before departure time.  You know what is worse than getting on the plane prematurely?  Hanging out in the airport for three hours with Winthorpe and Randolph.

Just a warning, I may be getting into a bit of a rant here as I address the whole idea of getting on a plane early.  First of all, the  plane’s not leaving without you.  Secondly, you get on that plane and you are not getting off.  I have heard of horror stories where planes are stuck on the ground for hours and if you were stuck on the ground on a plane for hours I’m sure you would have wished you could have that 10 minutes back that you lost because you boarded the plane too early.

Furthermore, there is nothing waiting for you on that plane that is worth being first in line for.  Best case scenario for me is I have the fortune of sitting next to someone (because how often are you sitting next to an empty seat?  that’s almost as likely as you finding an article in the in flight magazine that is actually interesting)  who is skinny and as sociable as I am, which is not at all.  I despise small talk and when you are stuck on a plane (unlike at a party where you can awkwardly end a conversation at any point you like, “all right, yeah, I guess I will see you later”) you are stuck where you are at for hours and may be forced into small talk that you have no way out of.  Worst case scenario your stuck  by some fatty whose pillsburyesque arm spills over onto your arm rest and smells like welfare and government cheese.  Yeah I want to get on the plane early for that experience.

When you have kids you are expected to board the plane at the same time as the handicap and elderly who are also often times handicap.  I’ve never tried to board last with my kids because we are always trying to find the most ideal seat, which typically is whatever is available closest to the restroom.  The downside to this is that you constantly have people waiting by your seat to use the restroom during the flight.  Fortunately, my kids like my wife more than they like me and they want to sit by her on the plane.  The reality is I would rather sit next to a fat stranger wearing sweatpants than next to Winthorpe or Randolph.  If things were different and I was forced to sit by one or both of my children then I would see what the airline would do to me if I tried to board near the end of boarding call with my children.  I’m guessing after next Christmas when I am allowed to unleash the full repertoire of my Christmas gift giving ability, Winthorpe and Randolph will be sitting next to me on the plane.

Further reason not to board the plane prematurely occurred on my most recent flight with my family, Winthorpe had to take a dump and since Shirley sits with the kids on the flight I was obligated to accompany him to the restroom.  For some reason eating at restaurants and flying triggers his bowels as if he had drank three cups of coffee back to back to back.  Furthermore, he has to flush after every single turd that he drops.  “Come on Winthorpe, quit flushing after every single turd, you’re going to make the plane crash!”  “But it stinks dad, I have to flush after every turd!”  On top of that he’s the oldest so he has to have us do everything for him, try wiping your kids butt in a space that is smaller than the passenger compartment of a Mazda Miata.  While we were in flight when he had to take a dump, there’s always that chance that if you wait long enough to board the plane you can coax a turd(s) out of him in the terminal restroom.

So, to answer the question that I wasn’t really meaning to answer, people are mindless sheep who will do what everyone else does regardless of the practicality of it.  Just look at Adele, people purchase her terribly depressing music, at least I think, because everyone else does. (future blog topic, an analysis of the Adele phenomenon and why Kelly Clarkston is way better)  Honestly, if you are able to listen to her album (do they still call them albums?)  once, and that would be difficult to do, are you ever listening to it again?  I feel like getting real depressed,  I think I will watch Schindler’s List and then listen to every song by Adele.  Another example of the mindlessness of people is the fact that Adam Sandler continues to roll out terrible movie after terrible movie.  Netflix has gambled on this trend continuing and given him a deal to exclusively make movies for them.  I think it’s a four movie package and probably gives him more money than the GNP of most third world countries.  The guy is truly a no talent ass clown in the mold of the original no talent ass clown Michael Bolton.  So, the next time you are mindlessly following the line of people to board a plane ask yourself: “Do I really want to do this right now?”