I am reposting something that originally went on Facebook quite some time ago.  My wife, Shirley, had set my settings on Facebook so that I was the only one who could see my posts.  Not sure why they have a setting like that, but they do and I was perplexed when I didn’t get any likes or feedback on my post.  Finally, Shirley spilled the beans and let me know that I was the only one who could actually view the post.  That being said, many people probably glossed over this post due to its length, so I thought I would throw it in the blog so people who didn’t check it out on Facebook can take a look at now.
It’s been a while since I posted anything on Facebook but a few recent events require me to tell the Facebook world about a life change that I would encourage everyone to try, at least everyone who is like me. They always say the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. I actually have a lot of problems, but the most dramatic problem of late has been my attachment to my phone. I was golfing in my golf league this week, and I scolded my partner for looking at his phone while I hit my shot because I didn’t know where it went and he couldn’t tell me. Anyone who knows me would instantly see the irony in me scolding someone for being on their phone. I told him that I have a problem with always being on my phone and he concurred saying that he almost rear ended someone the other day while looking at his phone. In all honesty my phone has distracted me for miles while traveling on the highway.

The second thing that really grabbed my attention was yesterday when my sister brought out a photo book with all of the proofs from her wedding. One of the pictures caught me red handed looking at my phone. What are we telling people when we are constantly on our phone? “This piece of technology is way more exciting than paying attention or speaking with you” or “I’m trying to find someone more interesting to communicate with via text or email”. More importantly what am I telling my kids? They actually like me right now and seem to desire my attention. I know this won’t last long and I’m pretty sure at some point the tables will be turned on me when they manage to procure a cell phone. I would like to think we (my wife and I) have the will power to either not get them a cell phone or get them a cell phone that only has the capability of calling our numbers in case of emergency. But I know how it works, I once believed that I would never let my kids eat in my car, yeah right, now I would let them feast on a pot roast and mashed potatoes if it shut them up. “Oh, you want this double edged survival knife while your in the car? No problem, as long as it shuts you up so that I can pay attention to my phone.”

I’m pretty sure that if I had a gun pointed to my head and was asked “phone or one of your testicles” my response would be testicle because I have an extra one but I don’t have an extra phone. I’d like to think I would be as concerned when my kid comes up missing at Meijers as I am when it takes me more than five minutes to find my phone. While my phone doesn’t ask me the same questions 8 times in a row, “dad can I go with you?” “Yes” “Dad can I go with you?” “Yes”…. he actually has to be physically in the car before he stops asking the question, I would like to think I would pick my children over my phone, my youngest probably has my current phone beat but who knows what the next iphone is going to be like and when my kids hit those awkward teenager years my phone is going to win hands down.
“Mam, I need to have an amber alert put out”
“Please describe your child”
“my child, no my phone, I have been looking for 7 minutes and I can’t find it, it is a silver i phone 6, how long before law enforcement will start looking for my phone?,and if you could put a picture of it up on those digital billboards, that would be great, I will text you a picture right away, wait a minute I need my phone to do that, I’m so lost right now”

So, here is what I am going to try and do to combat my phone addiction. When my kids are awake and I am in their presence no phone. This means when I get home I put the phone away and don’t get it out until they go to bed. On the weekends when my kids are around no phone. Hopefully this will spill over and I will become less dependent on my phone. Who knows, maybe I will actually start carrying on conversations with people face to face agains. I’m going to call this whole idea Disconnect to Connect. Now I know Whoppi Goldberg or some other worthless celebrity is probably going to try and steal my idea and start doing PSA’s encouraging people to “Disconnect to Connect” but you heard it here first. Who is with me on this?

Just an update on how my plan to disconnect to connect is going.  I still love my phone way too much and neglect pretty much everyone in my life because of it.   However, it is 2016 tomorrow so maybe that will be my New Year’s resolution, that and getting back in shape, both will probably fall by the wayside by February.

Often times I’ve fantasized about what I would do if I hit the power ball jackpot.  Obviously I would take the lump sum payment instead of spreading the pay out over a period of time (time value of money makes this best option from a fiscal standpoint, or so I have been told) and I would undoubtedly have the worlds awesomest collection of UGGS foot ware.  One other thing Shirley and I have thought about doing with the money would be to set up a nonprofit that focuses on providing birth control to the underprivileged.  In order for this idea to work we would likely need to incentivize (pay people) to be on birth control.

I’ve made mention of this to other people in passing, but it seems there are three things most economically challenged people have in common.  And when I say economically challenged I mean poor, it’s like calling people special who really aren’t special because it sounds better than the alternative.  Most of the economically deprived I have run across have tattoos, a nicotine habit, and way too many pets.

Once upon a time a buddy of mine talked me into subbing in a rec basketball league at the Y.  One of the players on the team was fresh out of jail,  had tatoo sleeves on each arm and was apparently using basketball as means to get out some pent up aggression from his stint in the slammer.  Every pick the guy set was illegal and had the potential of putting me on injured reserve for the rest of my life.  I attempted to explain to him that this was uncalled for but it seemed to  make him even angrier and actually seek me out to set his bone jarring picks instead of just setting them on whichever teammate of mine happened to be in his general vicinity.  Ultimately he ended up setting such an awful pick on me that I decided to walk off the court and leave, but before I left  I told him “those tattoos are going to look really good when you are 80!”  They already looked terrible, but when he ends up with the inevitable jello arms that all people in their 70’s and 80’s have, they will be indistinguishable.

While I realize having a pet is pretty much a god given right that is mentioned some where in the Constitution or possibly the Declaration of Independence, I would think that some common sense would come into play when deciding if you should have a pet or not.  OK, so I could have a dog or a car that starts on a fairly regular basis and be able to feed me kids at least two meals a day.  Well, I like walking and my kids are getting kind of fat from all the government cheese they have been eating, time to come up with some dog names.

The nicotine thing is even more perplexing than the misplaced tattoos and the budget draining pets.  The upside to smoking does seem to be quite high, but I would think the trade off of potential lung caner, smelling like ass, and having everything taste like burnt tires would be a deal breaker, even in light of how cool smoking makes a person appear.  But even if you were to disregard those minor issues, there’s the cost.  Smoking is quite expensive.  There’s really no way around that, and it seems that most people who struggle financially either smoke cigarettes or chew tobacco.  I’m really not one of those people who tries to get into other people’s business, but if you are sucking off the government tit, I feel that you should be prohibited from spending $15 a day on cigarettes.  (that comes out to roughly $5,475 a year)

I said that there were three things that most economically challenged individuals are up against, but there is actually a fourth.  A lack of discretion when it comes to procreating.  In my line of work I run into a wide range of people.  It seems across the lower socio economic classes there is disregard for family planning, and having as many children as the good lord dictates is the preferred method of sexual activity instead of acting socially responsible and either wrapping it tight or utilizing other forms of birth control.

While I don’t have problem with people who make poor economic choices (I’ve made plenty myself)  I do have a problem when parent’s make poor economic choices that have negative consequences for their children.  Children didn’t ask to be born into a situation that is a complete shit sandwich, so why should they be punished for their parent’s irresponsible behavior.  My not for profit idea will likely meet some resistance from conservatives who don’t feel it is appropriate to promote responsible behavior because you are at the same time promoting immoral behavior.  The sad part is, in an ideal world the government would realize that it could save billions of dollars by incentivizing birth control among it’s most promiscuous and poor segments of population so they don’t have to pay for the welfare costs of those children born to the poor and indigent.

However, they are hamstrung from having much involvement in this due to the strenuous objections of the moral conservatives.  Unfortunately, the moral right’s short sightedness makes them unable to realize not everyone believes or lives by the same moral code they adhere to, and even those who do often times are overpowered by their sexual urges.  The reality is, teenagers are going to have sex regardless of there being birth control options available to them.  Furthermore, by incentivizing the use of birth control you will also bring about a drop in the abortion rate. WIN! WIN!

So, how do I make this pipe dream a reality?  While I’d love to win the lotto someday the odds of me doing so are astronomical even if I played the lotto on a regular basis, and I don’t.  It seems like there are two possibilities to get this dream off the ground.  Contact the birth control manufactures and have them hire a lobbyist to get this thing off the ground.  How could they not love this idea? It would be like section 8 housing for the drug companies.  The government pays for the birth control so you are guaranteed to get paid, and as long as the recipients keep receiving their incentive checks they will continue to utilize birth control.  The other option would be to find a progressive thinking philanthropic millionaire or billionaire who would fund this project.  If anyone knows of any such people or a way to get directly in touch with the drug companies let me know, I’ll take it from there.

 

 

There are number of things that are perplexing about aging.  One of the primary ones I am dealing with at this stage in my life is urination.  It takes me twice as long to pee now that I am above the age of forty and it’s like I’m working with a leaky faucet, the thing never wants to shut off.  If they came up with an underwear that was made of sponge you wouldn’t be able to keep the product on the shelf.  On top of that, I went to Star Wars opening weekend and made the mistake of drinking a vente sized ice coffee, some water, and a fountain drink prior to sitting down for the movie and I ended up having to go pee twice in the first forty minutes of the movie.  I was the only one to leave the theatre prior to the movie being over.  It was quite embarrassing to say the least.

On top of all this, both my kids are potty trained to some degree and when I take them to the bathroom I am quite envious of the velocity of their stream and their overall efficiency when they take a leak.  I often ask myself how can they pull up their underwear that fast?  I’d have to put on a fresh pair of underwear due to all the dribbling if I did that.  They’re fearless, absolutely fearless.

While urination is currently quite problematic for me, shopping for men’s clothing when you are in your 40’s can cause just as much angst as trying to make it through a movie without peeing your pants.  My family decided to go North for the day today and I had to work.  When I got home I loaded up my truck with cardboard boxes and other garbage that has accumulated since Christmas (it was my third trip to the dumpster) and headed to a local apartment complex to utilize their dumpster.  I decided to swing by the mall and stopped by the Buckle.  I was wearing a hat and some baggy clothing hoping that it would disguise my age.

As I browsed through the store one of the twenty something clerks approached me.   Not sure why he thought it would be a good idea to talk to me I don’t exactly exude friendliness.  Regardless, he asked me “what size you looking for Bra?”  I responded “I”m just kind of browsing not looking for anything particular, maybe a medium or a large.” Trying to appear as annoyed as I possibly could. He steered me towards some long sleeve t-shirts that were his “absolute favorites”  and left me to myself after telling me “dude, if you need any help with anything else let me know.”

I wish they would hire one awkward clerk in their 40’s to help the 6 or so customers over the age of 40 they have in their store on a yearly basis.  Trying to talk to a person in their 20’s is excruciating and makes me feel so old, I never thought I could feel this old.

A couple of buddies of mine have been raving about Saxx underwear, claiming it is almost as life changing as UGGS footwear, I was skeptical but if they were even half right about that my junk was about to be in for a treat. The Buckle is the only store I know of that carries Saxx and  I started browsing through their selection when a heavy set girl in her 20’s asked me if I knew about Saxx, not wanting to seem uncool and ignorant I said yes.  She went on to tell me her boyfriend loves Saxx and that they are the best underwear out there.  Not sure why she wanted to talk undies with some guy who probably reminded her of her dad.  I was waiting for her to tell me that they don’t sell tighty whities at the Buckle.

Unknowingly I was about to open pandora’s box.  There are different tiers of underwear.  I had never dared to fly that close to the sun when it comes to underwear, out of fear that my wings would burn completely off.  What if all I want to wear is $30 a pair underwear now?  I’m either going to have to be really on top of my laundry or I’m going to have to spend a lot of money on grundies.  Is it best to love and have lost or to never have loved?  Well, I have a feeling when it comes to undies, it’s best to never have loved at all.

It turns out that there are actually different styles of Saxx underwear (Tier 1 underwear).  I went for the most popular style that the salesperson claimed was the exact same style her boyfriend prefers.  Obviously, every fiber of my Dutch being was screaming don’t do it, you can’t justify spending this much on one pair of underwear.  Do you realize how much Tier 2 or 3 underwear you could purchase with that amount of money.

Tier 2 and 3 underwear is brand name underwear that is purchased at either Nordstrom Rack, TJ Max, or Marshals.  Typically it doesn’t come in a sealed package so you are rolling the dice by purchasing it.  Two tips if you pull the trigger on tier 2 or 3 underwear, check for skid marks and if you can, throw it in the wash prior to wearing.  Any underwear purchased at a Men’s clothing store like Banana Republic also falls under tier 2 or 3 depending on if it was purchased in the actual store or at the outlet mall.  Underwear purchased here probably doesn’t require the same amount of scrutiny as if it were purchased at a discount store.  The people who shop at discount stores are usually quite despicable and unscrupulous people.

Tier 4 is “designer underwear” typically Calvin Klein that is sold in the warehouse stores, Sam’s Club or Costco.  There is no way this underwear can be the quality of the Tier 1, 2, or 3 that is sold at either a real store or a discount store.

Tier 5 is the end of the line.  It’s either the tighty whities or the ill fitting boxer shorts that most men above the age of 50 seem to be required by law to wear.  The tighty whities do an especially nice job of accentuating the pasty belly and lack of any muscle tone most men have at this age.  What I have noticed a lot of men who are rocking the tighty whities do just to add that extra hint of patheticness to their plight is they tuck their undershirt directly into their underwear (commonly referred to as the undy tuck).  Typically the men wearing these tier underwear have no idea how truly dilapidated their  underwear have become and they usually wear them up until the point they completely disintegrate.

I don’t know what my underwear future holds, but what I do know is that if these underwear are as absorbent as they are stylish I will end up being a Saxx man.

 

 

 

 

 

 

About a year ago I brought our dog, really she’s my dog, since I am the one who is in charge of her medical care (poor Allie) her exercise, and I actually brush her teeth once in a while hoping that it will prolong the onset of old person stink breath. At her appointment they discovered a growth in her mouth that needed to be removed.  My father-in-law is a retired nurse practitioner and I thought he could remove it for us for a minimal fee (a fifth of Crown Roayal) but when I looked at it in more detail I discovered it was a pretty resilient growth so I just let it be.  I’m a procrastinator by nature and as any good procrastinator knows, uncompleted tasks hover over your head like a vultures circling a near dead body.  Every time I looked into my dogs milky pupils (she also has cataracts in both eyes that would require $2,000 per eye to correct) I was reminded of the growth in her mouth that needed to be removed.  So, I finally scheduled a new appointment with a vet closer to our house hoping that it would be cheaper to get things done there.

When I arrived Allie immediately went into her “Oh shit we’re at the vet!” mode and resembled Dustin Hoffman when Tom Cruise attempts to get him to board a plane on  Rainman.  Ultimately, we ended up in one of the examining rooms in the back (it’s amazing how similar veterinary medicine is to human medicine)  fortunately they don’t make you sit in the examining room with your dog with no idea when someone is actually going to see you, thankfully they also don’t make you put one of those paper gowns on your dog either.

In my trips to the pediatrician (yes, my wife allows me to take the kids to the doctor once in a while and she always has a list of questions for me to ask but I  never do) I have been stuck back in the examining room with both Winston and Randolph (I just realized Randy is probably short for Randolph, have you ever met a normal Randy?  My apologies to anyone reading this who is  named Randy, I’m sure your normal)  and it is absolute hell.  One time my kids stumbled on the cheap toy stash that they give away at our pediatrician’s office, but those toys wouldn’t even placate Tiny Tim, and obviously the toys had no impact on my kid’s behavior.  It seems like every time I take the kids into the doctor I’m stuck trying to keep them from climbing all over the examining table while I direct my attention to the only thing that can maintain my sanity, my i phone .

The vet assistant got Allie on the table and proceeded to pull out the thermometer.  I’m not sure if dog’s have memories, but Allie’s reaction to the site of the thermometer (and she’s half blind)leads me to believe they do.  She had the same look of shame she gets when she drops a turd in the house and she can only eat half of it.  Ultimately after the routine examination where they obtained her temperature, weight, blood pressure, and her previous sexual history (I can’t believe my dog was such a whore)  they took a look at the growth and went back to crunch some numbers.

When the vet returned she told me I had two options, which I knew would be 1.Expensive 2. Really expensive.  I think both of the options involved a biopsy of the growth which seemed ridiculous to me.  I’ll be honest, I love my dog, but if she has cancer we will do everything we can to make her last days comfortable, but we aren’t putting her through chemotherapy.  The most expensive option included dental work for our dog.  I go to the dentist every year and a half or so, so if they think I’m blowing hundreds of dollars on my dogs teeth they are sorely mistaken.

While the vet gave me two options, I immediately thought of two more options.  My first option would be to do what I had already been doing, nothing and my second option would be to alleviate the guilt about my lack of attention to my dog’s medical care by having her put out of her misery.  Now, before you go getting all judgey on me, let me tell you this quick story.  This past summer Winston pulled his diaper off on our screened in porch, no big deal except for the fact that it had a giant turd in it.  So, I swooped him up and brought him to his changing table to put on a fresh diaper.  When I returned to clean up the turd that had fallen to the floor it was gone.  I started yelling to Shirley “Winston’s turd, it, it must be alive because it’s gone!”  then I saw Allie licking her lips and I knew where the turd had gone and that it was ultimately going to resurface in some shape or form.  As lovable and great as any dog can be, them eating a turd, especially your kid’s turd, really dehumanizes them.

I can just imagine coming home with a different Boston Terrier that looks somewhat like Allie.  Hey guys we are back from the vet.  Everything went well but from here on out you need to call Allie Rick, not sure why she wants to be called Rick but if you want her to respond to you either call her Rick or carry around some food.  But dad, Allie didn’t have a weiner, why does she have a weiner now?  Boys, I explained the whole  Kaitlynn Jenner thing didn’t I, how truly and amazingly courageous she was, well its the same thing with Allie, she just didn’t think she could be herself so we had to bring her in for surgery.  She not only has a weiner but she also has a truly amazing adam’s apple and a much deeper bark.  So, from this point forward she wants to be referred to as Rick.  (I’m hoping Allie, or I mean Rick can present an award or two at the Espys this year like Kaitlyn did last year, what a hero!)

Obviously, had this situation reared its ugly head when Winston and Randolph were in the picture, Allie would have a new set of eyes and that growth would be at the lab getting analyzed this very second.  Shirley’s sister and her now husband had a dog before we did and her sister was talking about how she wanted to get home to Phoenix with an extra day to spare so they could spend that day with their dog Davey.  Obviously, that sounds completely ridiculous now, but even more ridiculous if you would have known Davey, he would attack Shirley’s grampa’s special big black velcro shoes as if they were pieces of prime rib.  He didn’t meet a man he didn’t want to bite (except me and my brother Andy because we are dog people, we aren’t people people, but dogs love the shit out of us)

It’s funny how people will tell you that you will eventually grow to resent your pets once you have kids (they always seem to leave out the part that you will resent your kids as well) but you never believe them.  “Not me, I’m always going to love my dog the same no matter what, nothing can come between me and my dog.”  When we went to the hospital for the birth of our first child we actually forgot we had a dog for the first twelve hours of my son’s life until my mother-in-law reminded us that she had taken care of Allie.

I think it is similar to the mindset of men about to get married.  Men always joke with the future groom about the soon to be lack of sex, but every man thinks it’s not going to happen to them, they will always be irresistible to their future bride and then a couple years later they have this thought “shit, it happened to me!”

So it looks like it’s decision time, and as a procrastinator I hate making decisions, another Boston Terrier?  Or do I start looking into cocker- doodles?

On Tuesday I presented my mom with her Christmas present, a brand new i phone 6s.  My mom is on my plan due to the fact that I had to get an extra line when I made the epic mistake of going from an i phone to a samsung galaxy.  Ultimately, I ended up throwing my Galaxy into a concrete set of stairs after months of frustration, it felt good, really good, until I realized I was going to be stuck going back to my i phone 4 which was the equivalent of going back to dial up interent service after having had broad band.  Eventually, I talked my mom into getting on my plan so I could take her fee upgrade and give her my phone.

This is the actual conversation I had with my mom regarding wifi.  How do I get on the internet with this phone, it says I have to have a password?” said my mom who seemed somewhat frustrated.

“You shouldn’t need a password unless you are trying to get on our Wifi”  I responded. “You just have to click on the safari icon on your phone and you should be able to use your cellular service to get on the internet.”

“What do you mean, am i not already on Wifi?  I’m always on Wifi aren’t I”  said my mom sinking deeper into the rabbit hole that is technology.

“No, you aren’t always on wifi, you have to turn the wifi on in your settings on your phone.” I knew there was no way my mom even knew that there was a settings setting on her phone nor did she have any idea how to turn on wifi.  We had had a conversation about her using too much data previously and she assured me that she was always listening to her right wing podcasts on wifi, that was about as believable as the republicans being sympathetic to the plight of the poor and underprivileged.  However, digging into why she thought she was always on wifi would be more exasperating that listening to her try and defend trickle down economics.

“When I’m at my house i’m always on wifi,”  as if that statement somehow legitimized her supposed awareness of wifi and how it actually works.

“Why are you always on wifi, what’s the password to your wifi?”  I had finally decided to dig my heels in and get to the bottom of things.

“Password?”  My mom said as if Wifi was given out freely like water at a drinking fountain.  At that point I realized, even if I went over my monthly data quota, the overage charges were not going to be nearly as frustrating as the trying  to explain the intricacies of wifi to my mom.  (Shirley also tried to explain wifi to my mom that same night and made the same amount of progress that I did)

While my mom has no clue what wifi actually is and couldn’t post an ad on Craig’s List if her life depended on it, she isn’t the only one who struggles with technology on almost a daily basis.  One problem with technology is that it has been too good giving us unreasonable expectations as to how it should perform all the time.  A prime example of this is illustrated through the struggle our family (me) has had in adjusting to the loss of broadband.  We moved from an urban area to an area where the source of our internet is the verizon hotspot, so we have a limited amount of data that we can use each month.  So, no on demand movies, no netflix downloads, and nothing streamed.  Let me tell you it sucks.

One Saturday morning my kids were watching cartoons while I tried to get on the internet access the Detroit News website and read about whatever Detroit sports team I happened to be following at that moment, I think it was the Tigers.  I kept getting the message “Safari can not load the webpage because you are not connected to the internet.”  Typically I would have just said “Shirley! There’s something wrong with the internet can you fix it for me?”   However, she was still sleeping.  My kids who were roughly 2 and 4 at the time were only a couple years from having a more comprehensive grasp of technology than me, but they were of no use to me that morning, at least to fix the internet.

The hotspot is a 3 inch by 3 inch device that provides internet when you plug it in to an electrical outlet or have it appropriately charged.  My frustration began to mount as I continued to receive the same message over and over.  Eventually, my temper got the best of me, I never resort to physical violence with actual human beings, but inanimate objects are fair game, it might have something to do with the fact that inanimate objects can’t fight back.  I took the hot spot and threw it against the floor as if I had just scored the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl.  I thought it would shatter into  a bunch of pieces, but it was surprisingly well constructed and bounced off the floor and into our mounted television.  It was like a super ball coming off the floor of our tv room.

Nervously, I grabbed the hotspot and was afraid I was going to have to play dumb with Shirley and act like I had no idea why the hotspot wouldn’t turn on.  However, it still powered up so I presumed that I had dodged a bullet.  Shortly after the hot spot “incident” there was a red line going all the way across the bottom of our television.  For some reason I didn’t put two and two together and thought the hot spot hitting the tv had nothing to do with the newly developed line across the screen.

Eventually Shirley woke up and I had her call Sony to speak with their customer support.  After about ten minutes on the phone with a customer service representative they asked her to actually look at the tv.  When she got up to look at the tv she realized that the screen had been shattered at the bottom and it looked similar to when a bullet goes through a window and shatters the window.  At that point I realized that the malfunction of the tv was my fault.  She then proceeded to blame our kids saying “they probably threw something at the tv and broke it.”  I had a quick decision to make, should I throw my kids under the bus?   The worst that was going to happen to them was that they would get yelled at (which they were use to) and then their life would go on like normal, lots of toys and ice cream were still in their future.   Me on the other hand, I had a whole lot to lose, this would cement my reputation as a hot head who unnecessarily destroys things (golf clubs, remote controls, tennis rackets, computer mouses, cell phones) on a whim typically resulting in a deep deal of regret.(Looking back I don’t regret destroying my samsung galaxy, that all turned out splendidly)

“I have a confession to make, I couldn’t get on the internet, I got mad and threw the hotspot at the floor and it proceeded to bounce up and hit the tv.  I’m pretty sure that’s why the TV is broke.”  As much as it made sense to blame it on the kids, I just couldn’t do it, they were innocent bystanders to another one of my hate crimes against an inanimate object.  What added insult to injury was the fact that  my in laws were over that weekend and they were witness to the entire debacle.  (the odds were probably pretty high that my inlaws would be present, my mother in law actually refers to the spare bedroom in the basement as “her” room)

There is a silver lining, or should I say silver linings, to the “hot spot” incident.  First of all I was able to acquire a new tv out  of the deal (unfortunately, the one that broke was about two months old) and I haven’t broke anything substantial since the hot spot destroyed my tv.  I can’t say inanimate objects shouldn’t be on their best behavior around me, but I am definitely more cognizant of the fact that every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

 

 

 

 

Dear Prudence:

Recently I suggested to my wife that we give our children an initial present for Christmas consisting of socks and underwear and claim that that is all they would be receiving due to their poor behavior over the past year.  I would have my phone ready to video the ensuing temper tantrums that would be guaranteed to ensue as they grappled with the idea that they were not getting any thing close to what they had hoped to receive for Christmas.  My guess it would be similar to when parents pretended to eat their children’s halloween candy and sent the video footage into the Jimmy Kimmel show but likely more dramatic and much more emotional due to what was at stake.  My suggestion was met with a flat out “no”, not a “hey that would be fun” or “that’s a good idea but are children are quite fragile and if we were to do that to them they may need a life time of therapy to get past the trauma.”  Obviously, she seems to have her mind set on this topic and its too late at this point to make it happen, any suggestions as to how I pull this off next Christmas? (my kids are in dire need of toughening up)

Powerless in Grand Rapids

Dear Powerless,

How does any man get leverage over his wife?  That’s not a rhetorical question, I really want to know how any man gets leverage over his wife?  Women have the one thing men want and they are fully aware of it and use it in every aspect of their relationship with their husbands.  I suppose you could tell her you are withholding sex from Thanksgiving to Christmas unless she relents and allows you to implement your plan.  I can’t even write that with a straight face, I just read that back and it sounds even more ridiculous the second time.  The problem with men threatening to withhold sex, well there are actually a number of problems, the first being that withholding sex from a women typically is actually something that they would feel is reward not a punishment, women are the sexual equivalent of camels, they can go months, if not years without it, and threatening to withhold it and actually following through with it could create a number of problems.  First of all, your wife may welcome the holiday season respite from sex and getting back in the saddle again after the holidays may become quite tricky.  Secondly, the break may bring her to the conclusion that you are a disgusting creature, listen, I don’t even know you, but I know men, they have hair in all the wrong places, they look terrible with their clothes off, and they sweat and stink on a fairly regular basis.  Once she can step back and get some perspective your looking at an uphill battle and it may take everything in your power to dissuade her from leaving you for another women.  I suppose you could try to appeal to her common sense and indicate that it would allow you to get a true read on the current state of your children, if they handle the socks and underwear gift with respect and dignity you are doing well as a parent and your children are on the right track, on the other hand, if they flip out, you will quickly realize you have been doing a terrible job of parenting and things will need to change.  My guess is your wife doesn’t want to be made aware of how truly spoiled your children are and even more than that, she doesn’t want to go through the arduous task of unspoiling them.  I think you are going to have to figure out another way to toughen up your kids, I would suggest military school or a paper route.

Dear Prudence,

I had my eye on a semi automatic Nerf assault rifle as a present for my kids but made the mistake of mentioning it to my wife who summarily told me not to purchase that toy for the kids, I had somewhat put it out of my mind until I stumbled upon a video clip on Rotten Tomatoes (the movie review website) where they assembled the very same assault rifle I had my eye on, and it looked amazing.  We are celebrating Christmas late and I could possibly tell either my mom or my sister to purchase the Nerf assault rifle for my kids and my wife will not be able to object since it will either be coming from her mother-in-law or sister-in-law.

Forever Young in Fremont

Dear Forever young,

While I can’t blame you for being interested in the Nerf urban assault rifle, you have only yourself to blame for your current predicament.  Had you just went ahead and purchased the guns, threw them in a gift bag (your a guy there’s no way you are trying to wrap them up with wrapping paper) and given them to your kids without her knowing, their overall exuberance would have precluded her from forcing you or them to return the guns.  Your way around your stupidity is even more foolish, first of all your wife will know immediately that you put your mom or sister up to purchasing the guns.  Seriously, what women sees a Nerf gun and thinks “that will make a terrific gift!” Of all the toy weapons purchased for children, 99% of them have been purchased by men.   Furthermore, women have a sense of what other women want for their kids, and your mom and sister will realize that purchasing a Nerf gun for your kids will be directly against your wife’s wishes.  If you have a brother who could purchase the gun for your kids that seems to be your only way to get past your rookie mistake of alerting your wife to the Nerf gun purchase, but it’s probably going to take some type of agreement where your brother gets to utilize the Nerf gun a certain percentage of the year for him to willingly incur the wrath of your wife.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This past weekend  we had our second substantial snow fall.  Well, it wasn’t really substantial but it was the second time this year where I could justify wearing my recently purchased UGGS, which I think is actually Australian for “life changing footwear”.   I was pretty stoked when I woke up Saturday morning and realized that I could proudly wear my UGGS to D&W to go pick up pumpkin muffins for the kids.  I’m not one of those people who wear UGGS in 70 degree weather because I think they are fashionable, while it’s not that I don’t think they are fashionable I already have significant foot order problems when I wear practical footwear in moderately warm climates.  Honestly, I dont’ even think they should be allowed to sell UGGS in climates where they don’t see fairly regular snow and ice, the only person who gets a free pass when it comes to wearing UGGS is Tom Brady because he’s so amazing and get this, one of  Shirley’s friends actually was in a car accident when she attended U of M and Tom Brady was the other driver.  She said he was the nicest guy in the world (and that was before he discovered UGGS, just imagine what a truly amazing human being he is now that he wears life changing footwear).

Sorry, I was trying to work on getting to the point, so let me get back on track here.  So, as I pull up in the parking lot and park my Ford F-150, I excitedly jump out of my  truck eager for someone to see me in my UGGS and I slip on the ice and fall hard, real hard on my back causing my keys to go flying and me to almost scream “Man down! Man down!”   Fortunately for my pride no one was around to see me take a spill and I immediately realized the amazingness  UGGS offers in comfort and style is offset by a lack of traction and practicality for the winter terrain.

Of course I’m not giving up on my UGGS, I realize this ones on me, I should have tested my UGGS in a number of different situations to determine how I should go about traversing in them under the differing sets of circumstances.    Yes, it would probably wise for them to try and create a sole that is conducive to ice and snow but what am I going to do go buy a pair of snowmobile boots to lessen the likelihood of me falling on my keister?  Have you seen how hideous those things are?  Plus they are no where near as versatile as a pair of UGGS, you can wear UGGS to the store, work, a Star Wars movie, even a business casual event if you like.  They look great with jeans, sweat pants, or even a nice pair of flat front cords.

This whole UGGS with an F-150 really got me thinking about target markets and demographics.  Advertisers seem to want to really narrow down a specific demographic to market their merchandise effectively, sparing them from spending millions reaching a disinterested group of consumers.  I’m a market! I’m the 35 to 45 year old male who wears UGGS and drives a four wheel drive pick up truck!

Just think if the higher ups in the advertising industry discover this demographic.  I can hear them talking about it now “these guys will buy pretty much anything, they are obviously oblivious to stereo types and not concerned about what people think of them, what self respecting man, especially one driving the manliest of all vehicles, a  four wheel drive pick up, wears such feminine footwear? footwear that has no practicality in winter weather.  Also, they are buying boots that have at least a 400% mark up and trucks that sticker out at what you could purchase two minivans for, not to mention the obscenely low gas mileage.  This is the ultimate consumer, they put no thought into the utility of their purchases and have no fiscal conscience  when buying products.  Ladies and gentleman we have found the perfect consumer.  The question is, which one of our client’s do we want to benefit first with our discovery of the UGGS/4×4 demo?”

While I am excited for what my demo can do for the advertising industry, I also think it could change the truck world as we know it.  Currently  the F-150 has a number of special edition trucks for those who aren’t happy with a standard run of the mill truck.  There is the Lariat, the Platinum, the Harley Davidson edition, the Limited, and my favorite the King Ranch.  The King Ranch was designed by truck drivers who really want to stand out when they are “meeting” other men at rest stops, and driving a King Ranch tells the truck world you are happily married but quite open minded.

While all of those are nice choices for a special edition truck, why not the F-150 UGGS edition?  Imagine sheepskin seats with fleece lining the entire interior to give it that extra bit of insulation.  You could park your truck in a parking lot in sub zero temperatures, run into a store or work for a few hours  and the heat would never escape the vehicle.  Any voice commands or prompts by the truck would be in Tom Brady’s voice and the tire’s would come standard with no tread on them.  I can just see it now “Mrs. Firestone Ford or do you prefer just Mrs. Ford? I realize I had an appointment with you today to discuss the general Manager’s position with Lion’s but there’s something a bit more important I  need to cover before we get into all that.”

This is a conversation that took place between Hillary Clinton and Debbie Wasserman Schultz (the chairwoman of the DNC, referred to as CW moving forward) leading up to the first presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.

CW “The logic was sound Ms. Clinton, you know it all seemed like it was actually going to work out.”

HRC (Hillary Rodham Clinton) “Who would have thought he would actually get the nomination though? We just threw him in there to create chaos, and he was more than happy to do it, I can’t even believe the republicans let him, he’s supported democrats his entire life, contributed to their campaigns, and voted for democrats, but these republicans are such boobs that they don’t even realize he’s not one of them.”

CW “That’s why we are at a crucial juncture here, this first debate is really going to set the tone for this presidential race, I understand he wasn’t even suppose to get the nomination and he even agreed that if it looked like he was going to win he’d figure out some way to blow it, but his ego took over once he started getting momentum and it was like a snowball rolling down a mountain”

HRC “A snowball with a comb over and an intolerable personality.  He was suppose to splinter the republican party and move on back to his gold plated penthouse with his trophy wife who speaks no english and probably was artificially inseminated to make it appear as though they were having sex.  The guy bankrupted two separate casino businesses, you know how hard it is to fail in the casino business?  I bet even Obama could turn a profit in the casino business.  Now the American people seem to think he can balance the budget, turn the economy around, and make this the great country it once use to be.  What a bunch of morons, I can’t believe I actually want to be in charge of these people”

CW “Well, we have to pick our choice for moderator of the debate and I want you to just hear me out on my suggestion, I say we go with Putin.  Trump has no experience with foreign policy or domestic policy for that matter, but he is especially ignorant when it comes to foreign policy, and I honestly think he will be intimidated by Putin.”  (While the thought of having Putin moderate a US presidential debate seems inconceivable, a year ago the thought of trump as the Republican presidential candidate was almost as ludicrous as thinking the Lions could win the super bowl, ok I actually thought they could win the super bowl this year)

HRC “You know what, I like it, I know Putin and although he is one of the most evil people I have ever met, I think he will do a fine job.  I’ll give him a call and get it set up because I know Trump won’t back down if we suggest Putin.  Besides, Trump is dumb enough to think Putin is his friend, and will treat him favorably”

 

September 13, 2015: The First Presidential Debate

Republican Candiate: Donald Trump (DT)

Democratic Candidate: Hillary Rodam Clinton (HRC)

Moderator:  Vladimir Putin (VP)

We pick up somewhere in the middle of the debate….

VP “Mr. Trump, if I decide to take over Europe or at least what was formally known as the Eastern Block and probably Scandinavia because I love Icelandic women, what would you do about it?”

DT “Well, I would have people for that, or I should say, I will have people available for every possible contingency that could ever happen were I elected to office.  And let me also say this, Vlad, I love your country and I owe a great debt to Russia, all my wives, current and former have some affiliation or allegiance with Russia and what I love about them is they are beautiful broads who can hardly speak a lick of English, it doesn’t get any better than that.”

VP “Mrs. Clinton, this question is for you.  Sam’s Club or Costco?’

HRC “Excuse me, you want me to tell you which warehouse club I prefer, where did that come from, have you ever shopped at either place?”

VP “I’m just asking the questions that were prepared for me, could you please answer the question?”

HRC “You may or may not know, I was the first women elected to the board of Wal Mart and I think Sam’s Club is the superior of the two stores even though I have never set foot in a Costco.”

VP “So, you are saying you really couldn’t speak to the quality of Costco having never been there, but you have an allegiance to Sam’s Club due to your former position on their board?  Because, we actually have security footage of you in a New York Costco eating in a Costco cafeteria and there are credit card transactions in your name that indicate you made a purchase at that Costco the date that you were caught on video surveillance.”

HRC :”Fine, our household help were gone for a weekend and I unexpectedly was at our home in New York, I just couldn’t repress my urge for a slide of their pizza and some of their Frozen Yogurt.  It’s such an incredible value and is absolutely delicious.  We tried to hide the fact that we use Costco since the Walton’s have been such big political contributor’s to my campaigns and Bill’s campaigns, but the honest truth is Costco is head and shoulder’s above Sam’s Club it’s like comparing my husband’s ability as a president to George W’s,  my husband was flawless but for his indiscretions in the oval office. I’m pretty sure the Costco and poor genetics are the two reasons for these damn kankels!”

VP “What about you Mr. Trump? ”

DT “This is going to be one of the few issues I can agree with Mrs. Clinton on, I love Costco, in fact I have purchased all of my tanning beds there.  The only thing that could make their stores better is if they somehow ensconced them in gold, all of my residential homes are ensconced in gold, it makes for fabulous living and by diminishing the supply of gold by hoarding it to use it in my homes it has increased the value of it, smart business move on my part.  The other day I was in there and they were selling teddy bears that were as big as compact SUV’s, where else are you going to find USDA prime beef, giant teddy bears, and kayak’s under the same roof?  Granted, you never really know what you are going to encounter when you enter a costco, the way they are able to turn over their obscure and impractical merchandise is truly a modern retail marvel, but that’s half the fun of it.  The only negative to the Costco experience is those damn Direct TV salespeople, there are things you just shouldn’t do, shop at Trader Joe’s on an empty stomach, go poop at a bar, and never make eye contact with the Direct TV salesman at Costco.”

VP”There has been some concern about your issues with bankruptcy Mr. Trump and how your failures in business may be a detriment to the economy of the United States, what do you say to the people voicing these concerns?”

DT “Well I  hate to go back to Costco, but after my second bankruptcy times were real tight, and I really had to tighten my belt.  Fortunately the bankruptcy court didn’t force me to give up my Costco membership, there was a six month period where I was living off Costco samples, you know there was that guy who made a documentary about eating at McDonalds for a month, I did Costco samples for six months, that’s much more of an accomplishment than what that guy did.  I think my ability to utilize my Costco membership to turn things around illustrates how I can turn things around even in the most difficult of circumstances.”

VP “Ms. Clinton, is there any truth to the rumor that you’re current running mate, Rosie O’donnell may be dropped off the ticket?”

HRC “The truth is we are dropping her, we felt that she could be an asset, and that she would garner the obese vote and the lesbian vote, but seriously, what were we thinking? We are the democrats we already have that demographic cornered.  We also thought that we could have Rosie arm wrestle Mr. Trump to raise money for baldness research, but since he declined there’s really no point in having her on the ticket in light of her obnoxious personality and overall terribleness as a human being.  We have decided to replace her with my husband William Clinton.”

 

 

 

 

 

My brother and I are planning on launching a website in the near future that will allow us to delve into a wider variety of topics than what I address here on my blog.  In addition, and I may be able to do this on my blog already but haven’t figured out how to yet, we will be able to post pictures and videos into our articles that will enhance the experience of visiting our site.  I always joke with my brothers when something seems curious to me and pull out my best Jerry Seinfeld impersonation (which is terrible by the way) and ask them what’s the deal with…..?

This morning one of my buddies who has been traveling wondered why everyone is always in such a hurry to get on a plane.  Like him, I have  wondered this for years.  If I’m traveling alone I wait until the very last minute to board the plane because I absolutely hate being trapped on a plane. If I’m with my family I have no choice but have to bored prematurely which completely sucks.  I had indicated in a previous blog that I would refer to my children as Thing 1 and Thing 2 but apparently the estate of the late great Dr.  Seuss has an issue with me utilizing Thing 1 and 2 in my blogging.  So, I did a google search for the most pretentious names of 2015 but I didn’t like any of those.  Then I thought about the movie Trading Places and remembered that it was chalked full of pretentious names.  My oldest will now be known Winthorpe and my youngest will be Randolph.  (my wife will still be Shirley)

Having to board the plane early is just one of the many unfortunate consequences of traveling with Shirley, Winthorpe, and Randolph.  Another unfortunate consequence is that Shirley has severe travel anxiety and requires our family to get to the airport 3 hours before departure time.  You know what is worse than getting on the plane prematurely?  Hanging out in the airport for three hours with Winthorpe and Randolph.

Just a warning, I may be getting into a bit of a rant here as I address the whole idea of getting on a plane early.  First of all, the  plane’s not leaving without you.  Secondly, you get on that plane and you are not getting off.  I have heard of horror stories where planes are stuck on the ground for hours and if you were stuck on the ground on a plane for hours I’m sure you would have wished you could have that 10 minutes back that you lost because you boarded the plane too early.

Furthermore, there is nothing waiting for you on that plane that is worth being first in line for.  Best case scenario for me is I have the fortune of sitting next to someone (because how often are you sitting next to an empty seat?  that’s almost as likely as you finding an article in the in flight magazine that is actually interesting)  who is skinny and as sociable as I am, which is not at all.  I despise small talk and when you are stuck on a plane (unlike at a party where you can awkwardly end a conversation at any point you like, “all right, yeah, I guess I will see you later”) you are stuck where you are at for hours and may be forced into small talk that you have no way out of.  Worst case scenario your stuck  by some fatty whose pillsburyesque arm spills over onto your arm rest and smells like welfare and government cheese.  Yeah I want to get on the plane early for that experience.

When you have kids you are expected to board the plane at the same time as the handicap and elderly who are also often times handicap.  I’ve never tried to board last with my kids because we are always trying to find the most ideal seat, which typically is whatever is available closest to the restroom.  The downside to this is that you constantly have people waiting by your seat to use the restroom during the flight.  Fortunately, my kids like my wife more than they like me and they want to sit by her on the plane.  The reality is I would rather sit next to a fat stranger wearing sweatpants than next to Winthorpe or Randolph.  If things were different and I was forced to sit by one or both of my children then I would see what the airline would do to me if I tried to board near the end of boarding call with my children.  I’m guessing after next Christmas when I am allowed to unleash the full repertoire of my Christmas gift giving ability, Winthorpe and Randolph will be sitting next to me on the plane.

Further reason not to board the plane prematurely occurred on my most recent flight with my family, Winthorpe had to take a dump and since Shirley sits with the kids on the flight I was obligated to accompany him to the restroom.  For some reason eating at restaurants and flying triggers his bowels as if he had drank three cups of coffee back to back to back.  Furthermore, he has to flush after every single turd that he drops.  “Come on Winthorpe, quit flushing after every single turd, you’re going to make the plane crash!”  “But it stinks dad, I have to flush after every turd!”  On top of that he’s the oldest so he has to have us do everything for him, try wiping your kids butt in a space that is smaller than the passenger compartment of a Mazda Miata.  While we were in flight when he had to take a dump, there’s always that chance that if you wait long enough to board the plane you can coax a turd(s) out of him in the terminal restroom.

So, to answer the question that I wasn’t really meaning to answer, people are mindless sheep who will do what everyone else does regardless of the practicality of it.  Just look at Adele, people purchase her terribly depressing music, at least I think, because everyone else does. (future blog topic, an analysis of the Adele phenomenon and why Kelly Clarkston is way better)  Honestly, if you are able to listen to her album (do they still call them albums?)  once, and that would be difficult to do, are you ever listening to it again?  I feel like getting real depressed,  I think I will watch Schindler’s List and then listen to every song by Adele.  Another example of the mindlessness of people is the fact that Adam Sandler continues to roll out terrible movie after terrible movie.  Netflix has gambled on this trend continuing and given him a deal to exclusively make movies for them.  I think it’s a four movie package and probably gives him more money than the GNP of most third world countries.  The guy is truly a no talent ass clown in the mold of the original no talent ass clown Michael Bolton.  So, the next time you are mindlessly following the line of people to board a plane ask yourself: “Do I really want to do this right now?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have been feeling mentally fatigued lately with all of the pressure from the holidays and the need to keep everyone on my Christmas wish list happy.  Normally I don’t go to the Doctor, I think it is a Jansma thing, my uncle Jon actually went twelve years between visits to the dentist and I hadn’t been to the doctor since the spring of 2012.  In all honesty, I didn’t even know who my doctor was and who I should schedule an appointment with so I obtained a new doctor (and MD of course, I don’t even think those DO’s are real doctor’s, probably similar to an  attorney who get’s their degree from a law school that isn’t accredited by the ABA)  Anyways this is how things went with the doctor:  (Me is me and MD is the doctor)

MD: “So, the nurse checked your vitals and did the usual tests and it looks like you are in amazing shape, if I had to say so by just looking at your chart and based on how you present in that paper gown, you are an incredible physical specimen for someone your age.”

Me “Thanks Doc, is it ok if I call you Doc, I’m a doctor myself, a doctor of the law, I have a JD but my dream was to be an MD, not a Do.”

MD “That’s fine if you want to call me Doc, so what’s troubling you?”

Me “Nothing physical, but lately I have actually been feeling compassion for other people, I’m concerned that I might be turning into a L..lll, I can’t even say it out loud, a liberal.”

MD “let me ask you this, when you see people at major intersections panhandling, do you give them money?”

Me “Let me tell you this Doc, it hasn’t gotten that bad, not nearly that bad, I actually work downtown and I have actually had people approach me and ask me for money, I had one guy who claimed he needed gas to get to Traverse City, so I gave him five bucks, saw him back in the  same spot the next day with the same story, I learned my lesson, now when my kids ask for money for candy I don’t even give it to them because I’m not sure they will spend it on candy, and as far as the panhandlers on street corners, I just look the other way and pretend they aren’t there.”

MD “That’s good, I think we are at a point where you are still treatable, what about Syria, that seems to be a hot topic these days, what do you think about the Syrian refugees, should we let them into the country?”

Me “Of course not, why would we do that, as far as I’m concerned we shouldn’t let anyone in this country, let’s build that wall, but of all the people trying to get into this country we need to make sure the Syrian refugees don’t get in here.  Seriously, if they wanted to live in the United States they should have been born here like I was, not my fault they were born in that god forsaken part of the world”

MD “Have you seen the pictures and read about the conditions they are facing, terrible conditions, these people  need somewhere to go, even the French have let them into their country after all they have went through.  Besides, I’m pretty sure your ancestors weren’t from here, someone in your lineage had to immigrate form another place.  On top of all that we have an incredibly thorough screening process when it comes to allowing people in on visa”

ME “As far as the French are concerned, they probably staged the attacks and then let the refugees in, that was likely premeditated so that the rest of the world wouldn’t continue to think they were a bunch of A holes.  As far as my ancestors coming here, I’m Dutch, they probably were paying the Dutch to come over back then so that they could improve the countries’ citizenry.  I haven’t looked into this, but I think immigration law allows for the Dutch to immigrate to the US whenever they want and they will immediately be granted duel citizenship, they don’t have to get through all the red tape other people need to get through”

MD “That’s an interesting perspective you have on the French attacks, have you had a psychological evaluation in the recent past?”

Me “I have done the online IQ tests and I will say this, I may add genius to my letter head right behind JD, but I haven’t actually had a professional determine my level of intelligence or determine anything else to do with my mental make up.  Do you need to know anything else from me to determine a treatment plan?”

MD “No, I think I have heard quite enough.  I want you to get in touch with this Psychiatrist and he will take it from here, also, as far as your opinions on immigration and the poor, I’d probably keep those to yourself”

Me “Whatever you say Doc, this is covered under that new Obama Care thing, right?”